The Business

Nov 24

As promised in my book, The Suicide Club: What to Do When Someone You Love Chooses Death, here is the excerpt on some of the business that has to be addressed.

When a loved one passes, there is already personal grief, the grief of others, managing informing others, responding to all the outpouring of support, and taking care of your children or others, if that is already part of your life. Your life can shift greatly and then on top of that, there is inevitable business that has to be addressed. Unfortunately, businesses, courts, legal offices don’t necessarily care that we are grieving. There are deadlines, timelines and processes that need to be followed. Below are my thoughts on my experience and suggestions for how to manage it all.

Family Home

When Shawn died, I immediately freaked out over the possibility of losing our house. I knew I could not afford the mortgage on my own. Shawn had a life insurance policy, but it was called into question for two reasons: (1) he took his own life, and (2) he did so within two years of opening the policy. I was informed it could take up to six months to determine whether or not Shawn’s life insurance could be paid out. In the meantime, I needed to plan as though it might not come through. That plan included selling our house. I didn’t necessarily want to sell, but on my educator’s salary, I could not afford the house long term on my own. Shawn and I had a little debt, not much really besides my student loans and a personal loan from my father-in-law, which helped us greatly in purchasing our dream home. Luckily, I had friends who helped me put the house on the market and find something else. When I found out we could stay in our home, our friends also helped with redecorating. The potential of me having to sell my home opened the opportunity for others’ opinions to flood in. Do what is best for you. If you need to sell your home, do so. If you need to redecorate, do so. It is all part of the rebuilding process.

Death Certificates

You will need death certificates. Some have to be certified with the actual cause of death. Some may be issued without it. There is no rhyme or reason as to when or why you’ll need a certified death certificate, but have it on hand. If funeral home staff is helping you get your death certificates, be sure they follow through. The one we went through did not send me the certified ones until I called six months later. Apparently, they had them on file but never sent them to me. I ordered more, so now I have plenty. Just keep track of it because it will come up that the certified ones are required. Also, not all companies will send them back promptly, even when asked. It is a good idea to write down who has which version and to follow up to ensure it is returned.

Autopsy

Because it was clear how Shawn died, I was advised that an autopsy was not necessary. He was found very shortly after he died, and due to this, the only requirement was a toxicology report. I was told it could take up to six months to get results back. This could impact getting a certified death certificate because it needs to have the manner of death. Luckily, it didn’t, and truthfully, I don’t remember exactly how long it took, but it was a few weeks. Because empty beer cans were around Shawn when he was found, it was assumed his blood alcohol content would be elevated, and it was, slightly, but he had to be checked for other substances in case there could be a different cause of death. In his case, there weren’t any. If ever in this situation, you will have to decide for yourself which route to go. If there is any question about the manner of death, most likely, the county coroner will request an autopsy.

Non-Shared Assets

We had just recently sold my car, and I was driving Shawn’s old car after he purchased a newer one. The old car was paid off, so that was not much of a concern. However, both cars were in his name. To get Shawn’s car into my name was a ridiculous feat. The death certificate was not enough. I needed to get a county form declaring that his assets were now mine and also had to go through an approval process to determine if I could carry the car loan. I made three separate trips to the lending institution, only to be sent away for more information each time. If you are married or in a long-term partnership, I advise putting all assets in both of your names if possible.

Probate

I am absolutely no expert in this and am not even sure I understand it still. I consulted a probate lawyer to protect myself and my assets after Shawn’s suicide. I was informed that an estate has to reach a certain financial threshold before it can technically go into probate. Because our vehicles were the only assets solely in Shawn’s name, their value did not meet that threshold in the state of Colorado. If Shawn’s life insurance money were to come through, I had some concerns about other family members who could potentially seek compensation. If there are questions about probate, my suggestion is to consult a lawyer, especially because each state has different laws governing probate and its threshold amount. Probate lawyers can break everything down perfectly, walk you through the process and help navigate what assets would go into probate and which ones would not.

Life Insurance

Short story—get some. If you have loved ones or dependents, get a life insurance policy. I remember the phone call informing me that Shawn’s life insurance proceeds were approved. I immediately cried. This was a miracle, given how life insurance laws and policies are written in regard to death by suicide. If his policy had not paid out benefits, I was not sure how I was going to survive independently. The rental market where we live is more expensive than the housing market, and without the life insurance money, I knew for sure we would not be able to stay in our home. Many people asked me how much the policy was for. I wish I had politely told people I preferred not to disclose the amount. I let a couple of people know but did not realize the potential repercussions of that. Someone also mentioned to me that this money was a gift. This upset me because there is nothing good that comes from Shawn dying, including receiving a life insurance payout. I am grateful to have this money for our son, but I would trade it any day to have Shawn back with us.

Bank Accounts

Shawn and I had multiple joint bank accounts, for which I am grateful. Because my name was included on his accounts, they automatically transferred to me. However, removing his name from the accounts was a different story. I did this rather quickly because there were whispers that others might come to me for money. A few random checks showed up in his name after his death, and I had to work with the bank to let me deposit them since his name was removed from the accounts. Every bank has a different system, process, and requirements. It’s a lot to do, but I made a list of all the places I needed to call and committed to one or two a week. That’s right—not even one or two a day. I didn’t have the mental capacity to handle such affairs on a daily basis. Most days, I was lucky if I could get dressed or even take a shower. Set yourself up for success by setting the bar kind of low for what you feel you can accomplish. If need be, enlist a trusted person to help make phone calls. For me, being a worker bee, I found comfort in completing each item on a list. That running list still exists, and it’s been months since Shawn died.

Budget

I was already the financial manager in our relationship. That did not mean Shawn was irresponsible with money—he just didn’t want to think about it or stress over it. I admired him for that and said, “Well, one of us has to take a look at what we can afford!”

Becoming an instant single mom forced me to reevaluate finances. What could I afford on my own? What could I cut out of our monthly expenses to reduce my bills? What is a reasonable and realistic household budget? I admit I am good at making budgets but not always good at following them. Well, guess what? The loss of my spouse and now being solely responsible for our son’s well-being means I have to get better at budgeting. Seek out help and advice if this is not your area. I did. A book that helped me, prior to Shawn’s death, is I Will Teach You to Be Rich by Ramit Sethi. I really like this book because it teaches how to reach financial goals while not having to deprive yourself of even the smallest things that bring you joy.

VA Support

I am not extremely knowledgeable in this area, but benefits are available through the US Department of Veterans Affairs if your loved one was a military veteran. Shawn was able to help us get a VA loan on our house. When the housing rates dropped greatly, I looked into refinancing. After two attempts to refinance, I was informed that our son or I would need to be receiving VA survivor benefits and obtain a certificate of eligibility. To get those benefits, I had to apply, and while the forms seem straightforward, the process is not. Medical records were needed, and the only way to communicate directly with the claims department was to manually write letters and send them in the mail. Email contact is not available, and while there is a phone number, the VA representatives can provide only minimal information. After months of dealing with the VA, I discovered I could refinance our home without a certificate of eligibility. It took a bit to direct the lenders, but it can be done. If you find yourself in this position, speak with the representatives who handle VA loans rather than VA benefits. Another VA benefit is burial reimbursement. I am not very well versed in this, other than to say there is another form to fill out. These forms remind me of Internal Revenue Service (IRS) forms. The application is reviewed just like any other application: additional information has to be collected, and then whoever reviews the case makes a determination. Again, there is no time frame, even though the VA reports that it takes thirty days for a decision. It is worth applying for these benefits if it’s possible you are eligible.

**An additional sidenote to VA support is that while Shawn was a veteran, because he did not seek out any support from the VA in regards to medical care, his death is not considered to be related to his time in the service. Therefore, his son and I are not eligible for any surviving spouse benefits through the VA. If your loved one was a veteran, be sure to have access to all of their military records in order to help determine what, if any, benefits you are eligible for.

Social Security

If your spouse ever paid into Social Security, there is a possibility of receiving a spousal benefit. My understanding is that if a state recognizes a common law marriage, it is also possible for common law widows or widowers to apply for spousal benefits. In my type of situation, a spouse can get a one-time Social Security payout for survivor benefits. If there have been multiple spouses, Social Security can decide who gets what amount. Our son gets monthly payments until he turns eighteen, unless Social Security administrators determine he is able to receive benefits past his eighteenth birthday. They do not check on how my son’s benefits are spent, but they ask for a good faith commitment that the payment goes toward the child’s care. This benefit has been crucial for my son, and I highly recommend contacting the Social Security Administration to find out what they can offer you if you have lost a partner. It may take a bit of time, but it is worth it.

His Remains

IThere are so many different ways to handle a loved one’s remains. It is very common for people to want to travel with ashes in order to spread them somewhere meaningful. There are plenty of horror stories about loved ones’ ashes being opened at airport security gates or baggage check-ins. I had been given advice to take the ashes as a carry-on, have the death certificate available, and ensure it was all marked with the appropriate information from the crematorium. Luckily, on that particular trip, I was traveling with others and decided to avoid any chance of me being stopped with the ashes, so I gave them to another trusted person to hold—my father, the priest. The ashes made it to their destination. When traveling by air with a loved one’s ashes, it’s important to check TSA guidelines as well as specific airline policies.

Shawn’s high school friends wanted to spread some of Shawn’s ashes at the site where he died. As insecure as I was through the first week after Shawn died, I agreed to give his friends some ashes. It took me time to reconcile my emotions with this because I felt like they were honoring who Shawn was in high school, not who he was when he died. I had to come to a place of peace that the ashes weren’t really him anymore, and if this brought his friends comfort, then so be it. Whatever decisions you make, be grounded in what you are doing, and do not give in to pressure from others. The ashes aren’t Shawn anymore, and realizing that helped me work through my emotions.

I hope this information provides some support and guidance on how to handle certain business items. Please see free to reach out at alexandra @forwardtojoy.com with any additional questions.

Many Blessings,

Alexandra

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